Loving
Jennifer ... "What an honor, what a privilege"!
So,
what are Jennifer's attributes that still intrigue me - even after
35 years ?
Jennifer and I met in 1971, the tumultuous 70's ...
when "Peace, Free-love, Drugs and Hard rock" were all the rage.
In that time, I fought in 2 wars, our love was anything but
free, we "passed" on the drug
scene and we danced to the saxophone's melodious powers ... so it's very obvious
that we have never much fixated  on "fitting in
with the crowd". (Actually, it would be intriguing to
read the life-stories of the people who did prefer to follow
the 60's and 70's fads ... somehow I kind of suspect that, as
a result, they
had more than enough of their own battles to fight and a few challenges to
meet ... throughout their lives). Anyhow,
since Jennifer and I first met, we have been separated many times, often for as much as
1 1/2 years, by circumstances beyond our control such as
('74/'75) being drafted into 2 wars, her mother (who has been vehemently
opposed to our love), ('77) the emigration of
her family from Africa to Canada and in ('93) nearly
forever. Our love has endured many other small and large obstacles in this
time, but in
the end nothing, not even a determined old matriarch,
time, other women, other men, wars, oceans, hemispheres, continents
or countries were able
to keep us apart. Why? Because, in hindsight, it's obvious
that God intended that we should meet, back in 1971, and also that we
should stay
together ... and that is exactly what happened. But, did God
force us to love each other and to stay together? Well no, God does not
do things that way. God fully respects our freedom to choose ...
whether we choose well or
poorly ... it's our "God given Free Will".
So, if we want to succeed at love and life ... we have to do
our part too!
 Obviously
we
would all prefer that it was so -
but in reality, it's never all "Moonshine
and roses"
As you have read, this love story certainly
cannot be thought of as just "moonshine and roses"!
Most marriages do not survive a birth-mothers relentless
opposition, and most daughters do not survive a mother's total
rejection. Standing up for true-love sounds commendable, but
it's tough! However, what can be said about a woman who has
held my attention so strongly for 35 years and counting? As
happens with all of us, there were many other awesome women
that I met along the way, and likely I will still encounter
many more. Of course, Jennifer has encountered many very
eligible men in these many years as well, and will again.
The challenge though, is to BOTH concentrate on keeping the
attention of just each other ... and not trying to get the
attention of everybody else ... or anybody else. In our modern
world, attracting the attention of others is really
not very difficult. Those "opportunities" will fall into your lap without you even trying
too hard -
 sometimes it will happen to you when you least expect it. Our
society is now structured to encourage indiscriminate
flirtation and to make available (very freely) numerous sexual liaisons
and it's not even done covertly anymore! Nowadays overt
sensuality is woven into the fabric of almost every western
society. As a result, in this modern world with all it's many
diversions and temptations, easy access to just about anything
that can destroy love and families is assured. One has
to actively work to counteract these very destructive influences. Jennifer
still uses her feminine wiles to keep
my interests piqued ... all of them! She does not
squander any of her energy (or her precious pheromones), by
flirting with or trying to seduce other men, in an attempt to
boost her own ego or to win some silly competition with her fellow
mermaids. That would be spreading her assets way too thinly.
Besides, "If you live by the sword, you die by the
sword".
I truly enjoy being the focus of her feminine
wiles and, as you have read, I respond by focusing much of my
energy on romancing her, being her friend, pleasing her,
teasing her, laughing with her, flirting with her, living an
adventure and building up memories with her, and also trying
to look ahead. Boredom (lack of motivation,
purpose, adventure, challenges) is a huge threat to any
marriage, as is not paying each other enough attention ...
emotionally, mentally or physically, and Spiritual growth is
essential!
But the
real secret seems to be: "It's all about
being
willing to change"!
 Jennifer is an author of highly specialized cookbooks (three of her
7 books are national best-sellers, and soon
maybe more) but she didn't used to be. She home schools our two sons, but didn't used to
do so. One of them graduated from High school this year, and
did so by writing the same externally set, marked and adjudicated
exams as every other student in Alberta, Canada ... so there's
now way we can fool ourselves as to their achievements (the
province measures that), and they are both "straight A"
students. Our eldest is off to university this year to start a
Bachelor of computing information sciences degree. Jennifer used to want
to please "mommy" first, last and foremost, and was dependent on her
approval, for self-esteem and even for basic happiness ... she used to be a
"Mommy's girl", but isn't anymore. She had a rather
poor self-esteem, but doesn't anymore. She used to think she
was unattractive (go figure) but now concedes that she is mildly
attractive ... that's progress. Jennifer used to suffer
from a terribly destructive habit ... the moment anybody
remarked on how gorgeous she was, she would, within a short space of
time, decimate her looks, ending up
looking and feeling awful. Very importantly, Jen chose whom
she wanted to love and spend her life with (I'm very thankful
on that score too) and resisted extremely cruel pressures from
her mother - who probably wanted her to rather marry Prince Andrew's
school-chum, whom she had been dating. Even now, 35 years after
us meeting and falling in love, Jen's mother still has not come
around or accepted Jen's right to live her own life and love
whom she chooses. Jen has long since been disowned and her
birth-mother has long since forbidden Jennifer's dad and sister
to have anything to do with her or us. That's all very tough to
cope with! But Jen's rather heroic stance defending true-love
(and for all that time resisting her mother's pressures) was
really rather good training! You see, in her mid thirties, Jen
accepted Jesus Christ as her Lord and savior, and you can just
imagine the additional pressure that Jen came under when her
mother got to hear about Jennifer choosing (yet again) to
freely love Jesus and be loved by Jesus - who once again, was
not on her mother's "approved list"! But ever since Jennifer
learned to trust and depend on Jesus, instead of her mother,
she is just not so vulnerable anymore. In her
youth, she learned (from her mother) to be an incorrigible
flirt - an accomplished teaser of men ... and wielded
considerable power over men. Fortunately, she chose to stop
doing that shortly after we were married, since that could
have been the most destructive habit of all. Now she just does
so with me,this I do not complain about! She used to be
quite vulnerable to control and manipulation, but now can spot and
put a stop to these instantly. She suffered with severe bouts of
depression, but doesn't anymore. For the longest time she was unable to function confidently
amongst her fellow adults, placing undeserving authority
figures upon a pedestal and had difficulty coping, especially in public events, but now
has appeared on live TV, radio etc. and has no problem telling
errant authority figures, off.
And
then never looking back, but committing to continuous
improvement ...
 It
is understandable that when the "most important" woman in
Jennifer's life turned out to be unnaturally jealous of her
and, by the time Jen was 18, transformed into the worst enemy
Jen has ever had - that for many years Jen had
difficulty trusting her women friends ... but now she is
as normal and relaxed around her peers and her friends as most
anyone. It turned out that trusting God's Son, as her savior,
to lead her out of that "dark forest" that she had
wandered in through all those many years, and point her
towards Heaven ... towards God, was KEY to the unraveling of
so much that was holding her back, and quickly opened up a
whole new life for Jennifer and, as a result, for our entire
family. Jennifer is a
"Born again Christian", but didn't used to be.
Finally we understood why people considered themselves
"Reborn" or "Born again" ... it's because
one gets a whole new chance at life and happiness ... you
"get to see clearly", for the first time;
suddenly "gone are those dark clouds that have you
blind". Till then, I have to admit, all of us were more
than a little puzzled by all of the "Mystery"
surrounding those terms. For several years Jennifer has had a very effective internet ministry in the "dangerous chat-rooms" of the web, where her handle is "Silvercup",
but didn't used to do this. She would never have been able to handle
the crude language, outright hostility and all the filth she
encounters in this ministry, but now often ends up helping
many a young girl and boy, and many times errant husbands
and wives. Jennifer is kept rather busy being a homemaker as well as
a truly awesome wife, lover, friend and
mother. So, the inability (or lack of desire) to change obviously
isn't a problem for Jennifer ... neither, by the way, is "boredom".
There is
simply no time for it! Clearly I'm describing a woman,
whose life and love I have shared for 35 years now (and
counting), that voluntarily placed herself on the path of continuous
improvement ... but this time, instead of using her human
mother's (or birth family's) morals, norms and standards as a
guide, she has been using The Perfect God's guidelines for all
of us, as delivered to us humans, from Heaven, by Jesus ... in
person; and these are just as freely available to you and your
loved ones! Well, as you have read above, the difference in the
"before" and "after" was striking! This approach has delivered
superb results! So what's not to like,
love and respect about Jennifer - for doing all of these things?
She has my admiration and respect.
By
far the "Greater love story" ...
 My
challenge has never been
with Jennifer's desire to improve herself, her
life or her spirituality, but rather in keeping up with the
dramatic and exciting rate of change we see in her as a result
of these ... making sure I, at a minimum, can match her rate of
change. Her zest and zeal is "kind of catchy"! Her mother
has openly stated that: "Jennifer's new religious beliefs have spoilt
her"; I beg to differ ... I have seen Jennifer transform
from being her "mother's little groupie", insecure,
complexed and unable to function well in an adult world ... into a truly awesome,
strong, well balanced person ... and I've been privileged to have
a grandstand view, seeing all these things unfold
before my very eyes! Now, I must confess, quite openly, that by far the
biggest threat to our love and family was not the lack of
Jennifer's mother's blessing for our love and marriage, but
instead, it turned out to be the lack of appropriate
spirituality on our part, and by the word "appropriate" I mean: "God and Jesus
placed at the center of our lives and being the solitary focus of
our worship ... certainly not ourselves or any others"!
There is now simply no doubt in our minds that for love to flourish,
selfishness MUST be removed entirely, as must the "hero
worship" of other people ... such as mothers,
fathers, husbands, wives or any other people ... that's a spot
reserved for God and His Son. This story
has a happy ending not because of "luck" ... but because
God loved us enough to let His Son Jesus show us what was required of us
- and
then went on to hand us the pen, allowing us to add our
own names to Heaven's "Book of Life", thus changing the script
of our lives forever to read: "And they chose to do the
very things that enabled their own story to end with ... happily ever
after!"  Now clearly that's
the "Greater
Love Story"!
 "Transformation"
...
what a wonderful concept!
Ending up "On top
of the world" ...
So, if there are things that need changing in
your life, don't be afraid to change them! Yes, change
can be somewhat scary, but it can also be very very exciting
... and also extremely rewarding! Our advise? Don't be afraid ... embrace
positive change! We did. Now, looking back, Jennifer,
seen here in a recent picture, has done that "changing thing" rather well,
and still does. I suppose, in some ways, we
both did the "change thing" relatively well, and we challenge
ourselves and each other to keep doing so. It never stops you
know ... since when you decide to "rest on your laurels",
decay sets in pretty quickly. It's kind of like home
maintenance, there's always something to fix and always
improvements to be made. How come we humans all seem to
understand that concept so very well - except when it comes to
ourselves? BUT, before you think of us two as haughty, let's just
state (for the record) - that we both have made mistakes ... yes,
sadly, plenty of them! Will we do so again? Oh, I'd have to
say, regrettably, it's quite
likely (we
are only humans) but we do understand this much: It was God
that introduced us to each other, and it is God that nurtures us and protects us
... and it's because we ask! Our best advise for you is this
then: "Ask God for help, guidance and
protection too" - daily! For the record, Jennifer and
I both pray, every day,
asking God to continue to protect and bless our marriage, our love,
each other, our sons, our family and
even our finances. Really, what more is there we can do? Since
God made us both
and has full access to our blueprints ... and we (and
others) do
not, this much stands to reason then: God understand us best
... how we think, feel, act, react and what our daily needs are,
thus God is best able to guide and advise us and to help us lead fulfilling lives.
We feel confident that If we keep following these basic principles, and
our health lasts, we will also get to
celebrate "50 years together" ... and still
be living a very exciting, romantic and rewarding life!
"Need
help? Don't look around you ... look up!"
 Here
Jen is, at 48, having just finished 3 new cookbooks in her
"Splendid Low-Carbing" series in barely 18 months. It's
certainly a time when most cookbook authors want to hide their
scale, but she's really still looking and feeling great! Jen is
now entering Peri-menopause and coping with related migraines
for the first time. She has had to cope with hearing not just
one but two Dr's tell her, in a matter of weeks, that she
has cancer and needs emergency surgery to remove the tumor.
I've witnessed how she had to deal with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis
- a disease in which has the body destroying it's own
Thyroid gland. She has just sent her eldest son off to
University, is still home-schooling her youngest son (now
entering Grade-12) is this year celebrating her 27th wedding anniversary
- and still in love with me, her childhood sweetheart. She has had to
deal with a very aggressive birth-mother whom she has not
communicated with now for a decade, but who still sees to it that
she gets some or other belligerent demeaning message
through to Jen on a regular basis. As an example, she got a letter to my aging
parents in Cape Town South Africa, in time for our 25th anniversary,
expressing her immense displeasure at our marriage and Jen's
choice of me as her true love, and bemoaning the fact that Jen chose to marry "their
son" when she had so many "eligible" boyfriends
to choose from. I mean
really ... after 35 years of us knowing and loving each other
... "give it a break - enough already!" Well, that would be
nice, but her failed quest to destroy Jen and her life is still
what she values more highly than her daughter or her
grandchildren. I cannot imagine her not seeing and embracing
the need to change - but still she persists!
What has it done for her? Well, by now you can sense that the
answer is "Nothing but to enshrine the bitterness inside of
her and ensure her continued unhappiness". Now contrast
that with Jens' approach to her problems ... embarking on a new
way of life, embracing change, inviting Jesus into her life,
having faith in the love and guidance of God (her truly loving
caring Father) and going forward with hope, love and faith.
These two approaches can be called "Invariance" and
"Enlightenment" and they cannot be more dissimilar! Well, It's
apparent that Jen chose well, but your own choice is entirely up to
you. We have never met you, but you have now met us through
this website. If you are in need of a "Rebirth", we pray you choose wisely - better yet, ask God to help
you choose wisely. Let go of the past and start your life
anew. It can be very fulfilling and very exciting. So what are you
waiting for? More of the same? Now is the time to invite Jesus
into your life. If it's not clear exactly what you need to
do to start your life anew (and please remember, you should
never be asked for money or to join any organization -
Salvation is simple, free and universally available) then we do recommend
this non-denominational
site which does spell it out very clearly and will ensure
that you ultimately get the same miraculous, transforming, simple
(and
free!) message of God's salvation (and the see to it that it's
done in a totally private way)
- the self-same basic life-saving message that Jen, myself and so many others
have received too, albeit from many different sources. So why not go for the
"Good and happy ending" too? The alternative, the
"Bad and unhappy ending" is, well ... Just plain old not nice at
all! Ultimately though, all we can do is act as
cheer-leaders, the rest is up to you.
Here is a painting depicting the
mother's requirements of Jennifer:
And here is a painting
commemorating what Jen decided to do ... instead:
Remember - there is one of these
beautiful paintings "set-aside" for each one of us. Have you
seen yours yet? Have you tried to find it? Have you gone to
claim it? It's yours ... and its up to you!
FOOTNOTE: When Jennifer had
finished her first cookbook, and sent the first autographed
copy to her mother (I guess in the vain hope that just maybe
her mother would say something nice?) she never even heard
back. I later wrote her mother and complained, saying
basically that I thought it was a very poor show, and that
the very least she could have done was to say "Thanks, I got
it." Apparently she disagreed (She thought ignoring it was
less than "my least" - technically she is right) and my
letter elicited a very angry response from her (and her
husband) - I was told that "Jennifer was their daughter
first" - before she was my wife, and that I should "mind my
own business!" Anyhow, despite their lack of well-wishes, it
became a National Best-seller in just 6 months and we had to
reprint in a hurry to keep up with demand. So, 'naughty me'
had Jennifer send the mother another autographed copy - this
time of the "National Best-seller" edition. Well, we did get
a response, but not quite what we expected ... no
congratulations or praise for her daughters accomplishment,
just: "I'm going to write a book too" and "You would never
have done this if it were not for Ian (that's me)". Ok,
there are some obvious things to glean from all of this.
First: Clearly this mother is very jealous of her own
daughter, and she is petty and plain mean (cruel really).
Second: She wanted Jennifer to know that as far as she's
concerned, Jen should never have accomplished anything
noteworthy or get to feel good about herself. Third: She
thinks of Jennifer as some kind of possession - to do whatever she pleases
with. Lastly, she "blames" me for enabling Jennifer to rise
above her. Well, on this count she was plain-wrong. You see,
when Jennifer joined God's family, she started feeling
capable and loved and even somewhat good about herself, and
when I joined God's family, I got to do things I would never
have done, such as, In faith, listen-up when God had me
mortgage our paid-up home and become Jen's publisher. This I
would never have done before then - exchange our family's home for a few pallets of an
unknown author's cookbooks. Then God made it all possible,
opening the right doors for us, and pretty soon we had our
home back - well, not for long, since I kept on using it's
equity for financing subsequent books. Now Jennifer has a
home fully paid for and in her name - and it is the most
beautiful forest-home imaginable (least it is for us) and I
hasten to add - it's a GIFT FROM GOD ... as were the
7 books Jennifer ended up writing before retiring at age 49
(7 x 7, by the way) - all no coincidence. Oh yes
before I forget, if her mother ever does write a book and
sends us a copy, we will find a way to congratulate her - but it's many years later now and that's
still not happened yet.
Looking back at all the positive changes in
Jennifer, it's safe to say that somehow "instinctively" she
figured out that if she were to do everything exactly
opposite to what her birth-mother had done, raised her to do,
or demanded that Jen do; then she would succeed in
life, make peace with
herself, be happier, healthier, wealthier, wiser, learn to
truly love, care for her children, husband and others ...
and most importantly of all, in doing all of this ... she would please God, and that's the
very best outcome of all!
UPDATE Easter 2009: Jennifer is now almost 52, still
alive, happy, healthy, beautiful and, by the Grace of God,
saved!
To read the next Chapter
.... [Click Here]
If you too would like to explore this
"Road less traveled" ...
then here is
a very good anonymous place to start.
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